Motivated by fear of being eaten by a Lion

When I was in kindergarten I must have been a little pill, or at least that's the conclusion I've come to. How, you may ask, did I come to this conclusion? Well, my kindergarten teacher purchased a book for me from the Scholastic Book Fair; a book I came to know as "I Don't Care Pierre." Basically, Pierre's response to everything is "I don't care." And eventually, at the end of the book, he gets eaten by a lion because he doesn't care.

I know. It's a little startling, isn't it?

In fact I had several recurring dreams as a little girl and young woman, and one of them stemmed from this book, I'm pretty sure. My whole family was at my house for a gathering and a pack of lions came and ate everyone except my Aunt Gail and me. We were smart enough to climb up on kitchen chairs and this somehow protected us from the roaring beasts. My dream always ended with Gail and I standing on our respective chairs across the room from each other with the lions walking in circles below us. Somehow in my dream those chairs seemed really, really tall.

To be fair, I guess that crazy recurring dream wasn't all the book's fault. I also frequently dreamt that a giant fire-breathing crab would come over the hills south of the Valley and come straight for our house, leaving a charred, blackened, empty path in it's wake. I know it sounds silly now, but I always woke up terrified as a child.

Anybody got a Joseph in their back pocket who wants to interpret for me? I can't promise fame and fortune, but I've got more dreams :)

Recently, while perusing a Scholastic Book Fair flyer, my mind was flooded with grammar school memories, including Pierre. But it wasn't until I was taking a stupid interview on Facebook (more on the interview in a sec) that I decided to google the book. I found out the name is actually Pierre: A Cautionary Tale in 5 chapters and a Prologue by Maurice Sendak. Some of you may be familiar with one of his more popular books, Where the Wild Things Are. In my research I found out that Pierre was originally published as part of set called The Nutshell Library, which included Alligators All Around, Chicken Soup with Rice, Pierre, and One Was Johnny. I've ordered a couple of used copies of Pierre . . . we'll see if any of them are the same printing as the one I received in the late 1970's. It's looked kind of like this, but paperback.

This week one of my Facebook friends sent me a request to take an interview. (This morning I passed the interview request on to many of you.) No offense to anyone who sends me requests, but I usually ignore about 90% of them (and I won't be offended if you ignore mine); however, I was bored and I decided to check this interview out. Basically I just answered questions . . . and more questions . . . and more questions. Many of the questions are goofy and easy to answer, but some are particularly poignant and surprisingly insightful.

For me, question #144 was: What motivates you?

I couldn't come up with an answer. Welp, that's enough of that quiz, I thought, and I moved on to my lil' green space (an equally great way to waste time). But it bugged me. Shouldn't it be easy to figure out what motivates me? And everytime I opened Facebook, the question taunted me the in the back of my mind . . . hahahaha, "What motivates you, Angela?"

Finally, on Thursday night, after a great time of fellowship and worship at The Gathering, I came home feeling pretty introspective and opened my computer with the intention of updating my blog and maybe posting some vacation pictures (which I still haven't done).

But, I'll just check Facebook real quick before I start blogging.

I couldn't help it. I opened Facebook and then the interview application and just stared at that question. "What motivates you?" I could think of all the things I wanted to say: Jesus, a personal sense of satisfaction, pleasing my parents, wanting to make the world a better place, etc. But I knew none of them would be true. And then I tried to trick myself. "Well, just put one of them down. It doesn't really matter how you answer a stupid question on a stupid Facebook interview. It doesn't have to be the truth."

But in a moment of transparency with myself I realized that the answer often is, “Fear of what will happen if I don’t do something.” For example, Why do I brush my teeth? I'm afraid I'll get gingivitis if I don't. Why do I drive the speed limit (most of the time)? I'm afraid I'll get a speeding ticket if I don't. Why am I honest? I'm afraid I'll be caught if I'm not. Why am I working to lose weight? Because I'm afraid of the health problems that will ensue if I don't. Why do I go to work? Because I'm afraid of being fired if I don't. Do you hear all the negativity here? Suddenly I remembered Pierre. And it hit me: I am motivated by the fear of being eaten by a lion. And evidently, this has been a lifelong habit, if at the tender age of 5 or 6 my kindergarten teacher already saw the pattern.

I've always been a procrastinator and now I think I kind of understand why.

If I'm motivating myself with fear of consequences, I'm not stirred to complete the task until the consequences are looming so large in my mind I can't avoid them (hence all the papers finished at the crack of dawn in college). I need to change the way I talk to myself. Why do I brush my teeth? Because I like the way my smile looks when my teeth are clean and white. Why do I drive the speed limit? Because it's a safe and responsible way to behave (okay, maybe that one's a stretch). Why am I honest? Because Jesus says it's the best way to live and I know from personal experience that it is. Why am I working to lose weight? Because I care about myself and want to treat my body well. Why do I go to work? Because I enjoy the sense of personal satisfaction when I work hard and do my job to the best of my ability.

I'm probably over-simplifying this, but I'm a bit overwhelmed with how this motivation issue affects all areas of my life.

I am motivated by the fear of being eaten by a lion. Thanks, Maurice Sendak.